Should I Teach My Child to Defend Himself? - California

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Should I Teach My Child to Defend Himself?

Ask the Experts: Should I teach my middle-schooler to defend himself against bullies?

By Michelle Alvarez Consulting Educator and Brenda Weber, Principal

Question: My son just received three days in an alternative school for defending himself in a fight. What is upsetting me is

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If your middle school child has an academic or school-related behavior problem you would like help solving, send it to middleschool@greatschools.net.

Related links:

No More Bullying!

The Role of School Boards and Bullies

Sample School Discipline Policy

that if he did not defend himself, he would be bullied. So what is a parent to do? What is right? Teach your child to defend himself or teach him to allow bullies to pick on him?

Answer: I would assume your son is in middle or high school. I will also assume that by using the term "alternative school" you are referring to a program within the home-school that is "in-school suspension." Regardless of the terminology and grade level, you bring up a legitimate issue as to what to tell our children about defending themselves when physically attacked.

In most cases a student is aware there is a problem before it gets physical. Did your student talk with his counselor, assistant principal, school social worker or another adult in the building prior to the incident to indicate there was a problem? Did you know about the disharmony ahead of time and inform the school?

Educators are trained to deal with bullying and other types of issues. Many schools have peer mediation, where concerns are addressed prior to escalating into a physical confrontation; however, an adult in the school must be notified there is a problem. Being proactive is always better than being reactive. Students have choices; they need to learn there are alternatives to violence in most cases.

As a parent I would want to know what really started the altercation in the first place? Did my child say something inappropriate or was he totally innocent of any wrongdoing whatsoever? It takes two people to fight. Was there an adult witness to the fight?

Most schools provide a student handbook or a copy of student conduct rights, responsibilities, discipline policy and student rules at the beginning of each school year, or when a student enrolls in a new school. Violation of any rule can result in disciplinary action. Discipline helps to keep and ensure order and safety in schools. In most schools when students fight, they are suspended from school or placed in an alternative setting. This time is used not only as a "cooling off period" for those that fought but to also let all students know there are consequences to fighting, fighting is unacceptable, and fighting will not be tolerated.

You did not state your child had been bullied but "he would be bullied" if he did not fight. If your child is a victim of bullying, it is imperative that school officials be notified immediately. In some instances bullying is a cry for help. By notifying school officials, you may be affording him the counseling and help needed to change inappropriate behavior.

But we have to treat everyone equally, victim and aggressor alike.

What you can do is learn more about the discipline policy of your son's school and become active in advocating for any changes that need to be made. Some schools have committees that address school issues and this might be your opportunity to participate and provide parent input. A clear code of conduct that is consistently implemented among the school administrators is an important first step. A schoolwide bullying prevention program might be another step or you may want to talk with the administration about the procedures that are in effect in the school for bullying. You may also want to volunteer to serve on a committee to help initiate a policy if one is not in place. Make no mistake. Bullying is not a laughing matter and requires attention.

Editor's note: Because of the volume of comments we received about this article, we asked the authors to respond. Here's what they had to say:

Should I Teach My Child to Defend Himself? A Follow-Up Response

What is apparent in the responses to this question is that many parents are frustrated when they feel that they have contacted school personnel and "nothing is done about it." Bullying is very traumatic for the victim and it is essential that the bullying be addressed immediately. Many respondents felt that their children should have parental permission to defend themselves. However, this is not a recommended response in research published on bullying. In fact, the opposite is true. Teaching children to respond with calmness and confidence is suggested.

Early intervention is the first key to a good outcome for the student, parent and school. What was stated in the original response to this question was that, "Being proactive is always better than being reactive." The response also suggested the student tell an adult at school. To provide further resources on the topic of what the student can do in reaction to bullying, please see the following Web sites:

Stop Bullying Now

Pacer Center's Kids Against Bullying

Many Web sites provide ideas for what parents can do to help their children who are being bullied. Most sites advocate for empowering children and youth to learn to handle the bullying and put a stop to it early. In this way they learn the skills they need to prevent it from happening in the future, even if an adult doesn't listen to their report of bullying. Some of the resources include the following:

Back Off Bully

Mental Health

We noted a frustration with schools that do not respond to student/parent reports of bullying. The following two Web sites offer some good ideas about gathering data to present to the school to support your claims. Ideas included in these sites include learning about the chain of command and following it (teacher, principal, superintendent); identifying a reasonable response time to know when to move up the chain of command; contacting other parents to see if they have reported bullying and received a response; and when to get the police involved. These two resources, from the National Mental Health Information Center are:

What Can Parents Do?

How to Talk With Educators at Your Child's School About Bullying: Tips for Parents of Bullied Children

Prevention programs beginning in early childhood help create a school culture that does not tolerate violence and sets a standard for expectations when bullying occurs. Some examples of research-based programs include:

Second Step: A Violence Prevention Curriculum

Get Real About Violence

The Olweus Bullying Prevention Program

Prevention programs can be funded by grants from local business (perhaps your employer) and local foundations. You can help the schools access programs for which they currently do not have funds. Much of education funding (as noted in the reader comments) is targeted to academic instruction due to increased accountability being placed on the schools. This does not mean that school districts do not address bullying nor does it mean they do not want to employ a research-based program to address bullying. With limited funds, schools must leverage all resources available to them.

Addressing bullying is the responsibility of the community, schools, parents and youth. Bullying occurs in many settings and must be addressed in an organized and purposeful manner.

Dr. Michelle Alvarez is currently assistant professor of social work at Minnesota State University and project director of Safe Schools/Healthy Students for the Evansville-Vanderburgh School Corporation. A former school social worker in Pinellas County, Florida, she is currently co-editor of School Social Work: Theory to Practice and chair of the National Association of Social Workers, School Social Work Section. She is also the parent of a special needs child.

Brenda Weber, M.A., with a Secondary School Administration and Supervision Professional Endorsement, is the principal at North High School in Evansville, IN. She is very active at the national level in National Association of Secondary School Principals and at the state level in the Indiana Association of School Principals. In 2004 she was awarded Indiana's District 11 Principal of the Year.

Advice from our experts is not a substitute for medical or other professional advice and services from a qualified health-care provider familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's medical or emotional condition.

Updated August 2007

Comments From GreatSchools.net Users

03/20/2008:

"well, ok. i believe you said he shouldnt have defended himslef, because it was probably against the school rules, or implied it. but bullying is probably against the school rules too, but the bully was bullying. you forgot to mention that. if it were me, i would have defended myself. i would rather take a kid out in self defense than get my face smashed in by a bully. "

03/5/2008:

"Hi my daughter is in the 6th grade and she has been taunted and teased and bullyed by the same 3 girls to the point of i'm ready to lose it..i decided to get a job at the school, to have the girls to bully me (an adult)i tryed going to the principle before, but nothen was getting done..so i thought i would work there to protect her, to get fired cause the girls would go to the principle office and say i was calling them bad names, to be told cause we have just moved to the area 7 months ago that we didn't have any rights cause we are new, not to complain and should just pretty much say and do nothen..we tryed everything to resolved this issue we tryed the principle's and tryed talking to the parents and even tryed killing them with kindness..so finally i told my daughter whom i have always told to walk away ,to fight back now..she needs not to be vitamize any more and i am thinking of inrolling her in some kind of marcial arts too...but we feel like vitaims from the school t! o not only from the students..cause they are letting it happen! now i can see why kids go and shoot up the schools..they really need more inforcments when it comes to these kinds of sineros..and i do belive that the kids doing the bullying have not good home life. I did everything right...went to the priciple's tryed the parents and ect..so what else can my child do to stop them...i love my kids and i will put my boxing gloves on and someone is going to go down..cause what kind of mom would i be if i let this continue!!"

12/3/2007:

"My son is 6 and in 1st grade. I am considering private school for him. He will not defend himself or tell the teacher when someone does something. I think he feels embarassed when something happens and he does nothing about it and I am concerned about his self esteem. I think this is something that he will grow out of. Until then, I think a with smaller school and class size there will be fewer things happen. I hope."

11/7/2007:

"I have one little issue with the suggestion that a child should tell an adult about a 'problem before it gets physical'. My son is 6.5 and has a few issues at school. We have always counseled him to use words first (i.e., if someone is picking on him or hitting him, to tell them loudly, to 'STOP'.) BUT, if telling someone to stop doesn't work, I tell him to push them away from him physically. (Not to hit them, just to push them away if they don't listen to his 'STOP'.) At 6 years of age, in a new school, my son simply is not willing to talk to an adult he doesn't know. (He's moderately shy.) Unfortunately, his first attempt to tell a teacher of a problem ended with the teacher (a female) telling him to 'Shhhh'. A female student hat hit him, pushed him down and then kicked him. His school is taught almost exclusively by women. I have a feeling they just don't deal with boys very well. I'm reading every 'boy-based' development book I can find ('Real Boys', 'Raising Cain! ', 'The Minds of Boys', and 'Why Gender Matters' to name a few.) I'm hoping to better understand how his mind works so I can educate his teachers (who seem to have no clue...)"

10/30/2007:

"I have sat and watched my child fall apart - I am at my end with it! My child has respect for others and their belongings recently my son has been choked on the playground, thrown litterly out of a classroom against wall, had a frozen water bottle hit the back of his head almost knocking him unconcious, glasses broken 2 times now (which he needs being he has strabismus-of course school wont see this being I am not low income or the right creed!) Teacher accusing him of stealing a backpack in class - when in actuallity the students were harrassing him by knocking his books off desk and taking his backpack! I have filed several complaints and now it is worse! My son feels hated by everyone on campus, being harassed by students and acutlly crying in class in 7th grade! Its obvious we are not wanted! "

10/25/2007:

"A true bully will end up where he/she belongs...behind bars. Bullies beget bullies beget bullies. Parents of bullies were most likely bullies themselves. It's ridiculous. People, teach your children right and they won't become bullies. People, teach your children right and they will know how to handle bullies. Call the police if they threaten your child!!! Don't wait until it's too late."

10/24/2007:

"I am a parent of a 15 year old boy, and I had always taught him to defend himself if bullied. Now, I'm eating my words. My son overheard people talking about a boy that 'wanted' to beat him up, so my son acted first by punching the boy in the face. His explanation was that he was too scared to wait to see what the other boy would do, so he decided to strike first. I am trying to un-do a lot of things I have told him. This doesn't really teach our children anything; it puts fear into them that they must always be on the look-out for trouble."

10/18/2007:

"A true bully will not back off with intervenion. As a last resort I would let my son work over the school bully. All bullies stop when anyone gives him one in the chops."

10/12/2007:

"Hi i have been suspended from school for fighting on the bus after i was hit in the head twice and the first time i was hit i told the girl to stop ands she hit me again and i fought back now i have am suspended what i did was right some adults these days don't understand how just one little hit can just ruin you the whole time in school if i hadn't hit the girl back i would have been pick on and beaten up almost everyday I'm not a trouble maker at tall i receive A's and B's and i don't even curse or do drugs i just know when to draw the line they can say whatever they want to me but when u touch me its a different story."

07/13/2007:

"I completely and wholeheartedly agree with the statement made on 06/27! I can't believe you would make such a statement, either."

06/27/2007:

"'But we have to treat everyone equally, victim and aggressor alike.' You have got to be kidding! Thank goodness our justice system does not work this way. I can not believe you would make such a statement."

05/30/2007:

"MY SON USES HIS WORD POWER TO GET THOUGH THE MINOR SCRAPES WITH BULLIES IN THE HALLS AND ON THE PLAY GROUND. HE'S A BIG GENTLE BOY...BUT I'VE TOLD HIM, IF SOMEONE LAYS THEIR HANDS ON YOU YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DEFEND YOURSELF PHYSICALLY. AS I HAVE HAD TO DO IN THE PAST. WHEN YOU TALK TO THE TEACHERS ABOUT THESE BULLY KIDS, ITS REAL CLEAR THAT THEIR PARENTS ARE ABUSIVE AND ITS SUPPOSE TO BE REPORTED BY LAW. GET SOME GUTS, PEOPLE. NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE UNTIL WE CHANGE IT. "

05/30/2007:

"I would like to learn more about this particularly for preshoolers. My daughter is 4 years old and has, on numerous occasions, told me of a boy in her school who is 'mean', and hits the other kids, etc. Also, she has told me that no one likes her and that worries me too. How do I help her to have high self esteem?"

05/30/2007:

"My grandson has always been taught not to fight but after getting assaulted 6 times since starting middle school I am thinking of enrolling him in martial arts. "

05/25/2007:

"It's funny but the law for adults is that you can defend your person or your property from assault with equal force. How is it that teens are not afforded the same rights. You are assuming that an adult was available or present or willing to intervene. This is not always the case. "

05/25/2007:

"What do you do in the case where your child is acosted then you notify the school administration (principal) and they take no action? What is the escalation protocol? Should I involve the police if the fight resulted in my child being hospitalized?"

05/24/2007:

"I think that this also varies from school to school, from administration, to administration. I spent 8 months trying to get bullies to stop bullying my daughter and took it all through the appropriate steps. To the teacher, adminitration, the school board and finally the district. It was a charter school and finally received an email stating that the law was never broken (I didn't think to call the police when my daughter was 'Hit' all the way to and from a field trip) so no further action would be taken. The schoo year is now almost over and I was asked to not make any further trouble and to try to have a better year next year. This is my daughter's first year in public school and she is asking me to be home schooled next year. My first thought is to make her go back so that she doesn't run away from her problems. However, I seriously have to give the home school some serious consideration when even I ran out of 'help' to solve the problem."

05/24/2007:

"I believe in teaching my children self defense. As was said by another parent, martial arts offer self defense courses, as do some gyms and police deptartments. It is important for children to know that they have choices. Otherwise, we are teaching them to be 'The latest, greatest victim' of yet another bully that the school won't control. I think my kids' saftey should come well before 'school protocol' The schools are going to cover their rear-ends because of the liability involved. I say make a police report with your local police. At least then you can evidence a pattern with the offending child, and force the parents of the bully into litigation when the school can't/won't do anything. They probably won't arrest the bully, but you CAN make a police report at every instance that can be used to evidence patterned behavior."

05/24/2007:

"While I agree with you advice I have firsthand experience with a school that does nothing to enforce their ‘no bullying’ rule. The school where my children attend school (elementary / Jr. High school) states they will not tolerate bullying but when my daughter reported that she was being threatened by another female student the administration said 'don't worry, she won't do anything' and then the school administration did just that, nothing. Within a week, the same girl was beating on another girl (at a Sonic burger - which is 3 blocks away from their school - that many student went to during a lunch on a half day) and I learned that the same student was involved in altercations the year prior. As a result this and other issues we will be sending one of children to a private school (for gifted children) and the other were are seriously considering home-schooling. Sincerely, A frustrated and disappointed parent."

05/24/2007:

"I don't agree that we have to treat the victim AND THE AGRESSOR alike... That gives the agressor a reason that it is ok to do what he/she did. Yes, it is a cry for help. I agree the first step should be the victim telling someone, but in cases when they can't, if the victim pushes back or uses defense to stop from getting hit, they should receive minor punishment. If they hit back and are not just defending, then they deserve punishment too. Bullying should not be allowed. The agressor should have more consequences. I know. I was a victim. I didn't even hit back or push back and was punished, in school and at home. I was attacked unfairly. Since I was punished for fighting, even when I didn't, should I have just fought back since the punishment is the same?! The victim and the aggressor should NOT be treated the SAME."

05/24/2007:

"The reality of this problem is that is they need positive programs to help childrens with opositional disorter behavior and agresive behavior in our schools. Now they want to treat childrens like criminals. Help the battled childrens who need help instead running from the problem and locking up the childrens. Lets live in this planet called Earth in peace and reach to help bullie or an opossitional disorder behavior child. The only the educators care is about the money they get from the Federal Government is to place Regional Superintendents that has no type of authority or resposibilty, making over $ 100,000.00 a year. There is psychological problem with bullies. Please find out in your child school what type of intervention they have and you will see that the school administrators is manipulating the money they are receiving. Don't beleive me, check for self, because this will open your eyes."

05/24/2007:

"I do understand your response to the parent's question, 'Is it wrong to teach your child how to protect themselves.' Your answer seem to be a little naive. My son experienced being bullied because he was too quite. He notified the appropriate adults at the school, but none of the counseling provided to the bully helped. This was an angry little boy, who was set on making people suffer. He told my son that it didn't matter what the authorities said, he was going to fight my son anyway. At that point, I requested a conference with childs parents, but they didn't show. I told the principle that I have told my son that if he is hit by this bully, he should defend himself. So, please when you answer these types of questions don't limit your preceptions to your community."

05/24/2007:

"It is amazing that teachers fall for the nice girl to them who intimidates and is MEAN to other girls. My daughter had an issue with a mean girl at dance and I had a friend who teaches at the girls school who said she has such a nice personality - yet when my daughter asked a boy who went to her school why she was mean to her, he said she is like that to the girls at school as well. Girl bullying is very different from boy bullying"

05/24/2007:

"My school has a peer mediation program,a student government that set rules and reglations and a conflict resolution teacher who teaching bulling tactics and proper responses to a bully.It all sounds great. tHE MAJOR PROBLEM IS WE HAVE AN ADMINISTRATION THAT IS MUCH MORE WORRIED ABOUT TEST SCORES AND NOT OFFENDING A PARENT THAN THEY ARE ABOUT ENFORCING BEHAVIOR RULES IN OUR SCHOOL.pARENTS YOU MUST GET INVOLVED IN FINDING OUT WHAT IS THE TRUE STORY ABOUT BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS IN YOUR SCHOOL AND HOW IT AFFECTS YOUR CHILD'S LEARNING."

05/24/2007:

"I think it is Imperative that you teach your Children to DEFEND themselves. My son has been assualted 6 times this School year alone. I have been to the School over and over talking with the Principle, This last time I actually called the School Resoruce Officer, That is responsible for 'TWO' Schools. (God bless him, They expect a Miracle out of him being over a Troubled Middle School and a High School) He was very Nice, and offered to help any way he could. He went to my Son's middle School, Where he had been attacked and beaten in the back of the head by a Girl twice his size. He talked to my son and the Assistant principle, It was discussed and decided that my son would change classes to avoid this girl all together, Guess what? As soon as the Resource Officer left the grounds, The assistnat Principle decided that it would be inconvient to move my son after all, and he is still in that room! And they say they are there to help PROTECT our children? What a Joke! This girl ! got 3 days Out Of School at home, bragging about what she had done, watching TV, etc. I am removing my son form this School, and will NOT let my two daughters attend it either! You damned right I will teach my Children to defend theirselves, Because NO ONE else is going to do it. My son has been taught not to hit on girls, to walk away, It took 2 teachers to hold her big butt back from getting through a door to attack my son after the frist assualt. It is a crying shame that we as Parents can not send our Children to School and know that they are safe, Even worse That my Son is afraid to go, Afraid of what might happen. The Children have NO rights now. It's a disgrace! And in case anyone is wondering which School I am talking about, I'm glad to tell, I do not want anyone putting their Child in a Situation that I had unknowly put mine, But never again! East Union Middle School, Marshville, NC. "

05/24/2007:

"I've told my 12 y.o. daughter that when she is first being 'playfully' tripped, pushed or hit by someone in class or the bus, to get really loud with the person telling them to stop whatever it is they are doing. She risks getting a rebuke from the teacher but it brings unwanted attention to the potential bully and it serves up the first notice to the adult in charge that there is problem. As far as sexual bullying or touching, I've told her to do the above also. If it continues, she can then do what she needs to do to stop the person. Her dad and I will then take it up with the school/school board. We can't keep treating the victims the same as the bullies. We've made kids more concerned about getting suspended than protecting themselves and caring for others. We're asking them to behave differently than we do as adults. Adults are afforded the self-defense plea, why shouldn't bullied kids be afforded that too?"

05/24/2007:

"This is actually in response to the last comment posted. Good for you! Not only are your children being taught how to protect and defend themselves, but how to control themselves. And teaching my example, by participating in the same lessons that they take, is 100% guaranteed to teach your children that you value what they are learning. The best advocate a child has at school is always going to be their parent. Schools are not now, never have been, and never will be, perfect. The majority of educators do their absolute best to provide safe and healthy environments for our children, but that doesn't mean that they can be everywhere at once. The best solution is to volunteer at your child's school. You learn more about the teachers, staff, administration, and about the children, this way than any other way I've found. If you're unable to do so, most districts are online now, and it's as easy as clicking a button to email the teacher, the principal, even the school board, with ! your concerns. The more involved you make yourself in your child's education, the easier problems are to head off. I'm not saying hover over your kids...they do need to learn how to function on there own. But by being there, being involved, and staying in touch, you teach your child a very valuable lesson...that when it comes down to it, his/her parents are on their side. With that, what child can't make it through whatever life has to throw at them?"

05/24/2007:

"Hi, my name is Wendy Hager, my son was bullied by several boys, the boys accused my son, saying,' he said, he was going to kick my blank!' well, he was ordered to go to a behavior school, not only was he treated with derespect but, I was also."

05/24/2007:

"I agree with most of the article, however, as the mother of a child who has been bullied, I think every child should know how and when to defend themselves. What happens when a teacher is made aware of a bullying situation and nothing is done? My son continually told his teacher that a classmate was picking on him, the teacher even told me (after the fact) the the other child was picking on my son. Initially, the other child was using words to bully my son. He then went on to trip my son when was walking. This resulted in a fight. And wouldn't you know that my son was suspended for 5 days, even though his teacher was aware of what was going on."

05/24/2007:

"Your article is full of valuable information, all of which is beside the point of the question. If one child walks up to another and begins physically attacking, does the attacked child have the right to defend himself? You seem to say 'no,' which is ludicrous. There are almost always alternatives to violence, both for the aggressor and the victim. But not always. I tell my kids that they are to do everything this article advocates, but if they're attacked, I won't be angry if they fight back to the extent necessary to defend themselves. 'But we have to treat everyone equally, victim and aggressor alike,' the article says. The heck you do! The aggressor you punish (and yes, counsel and help); the victim you protect. When the victim has to defend himself physically, we have failed him. And if he HAD to defend himself, we only make it worse (and foster his weakness) if we punish him for doing so. You've done a dis-service. Someone asked you a real-world question, and you gave them a pie-in-the-sky non-answer."