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How Can I Help my Son Stop Hitting?

Ask the Experts: My kindergartner can't keep his hands to himself. How do I reinforce positive behaviors and eliminate bad ones?

By Dr. Lisa Hunter, Child Psychologist

Question:I am the parent of a 5-year-old boy. He

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is in kindergarten and since preschool he has had difficulty keeping his hands to himself.

In preschool he would hit other children. Now in kindergarten, he may push, hit or try to boss other children or say mean things. I am a social worker and I know that children have to develop socialization skills.

However, his teacher has implemented a behavior chart in which he has to earn happy faces or get unhappy faces if he misbehaves. The behaviors have decreased, yet I want to know if there is more I can do to reinforce the positive behaviors and to eliminate the negative ones.

He is maturing in his play, which is good. If we can get him to keep his hands to himself it would relieve a lot of my stress.

Answer: The behavior chart your son's teacher has implemented is a good idea, and it sounds like it is working to some extent because his aggressive behaviors have decreased.

I think it is also important to determine the cause of your son's aggressive behavior (i.e., what is motivating your son to act aggressively?). Is he hitting other kids to get attention? To get something from the other children? To escape an undesirable situation?

Careful observation of your son's behavior in his classroom by his teacher, a school psychologist or counselor could help determine the answer to these questions. Whoever conducts the observation should pay attention to what happens before your son engages in aggressive behavior and what happens after. This information coupled with the teacher's insight about your son's behavior will help determine the cause of his aggressive behavior.

It is essential that whatever behavioral plan the teacher implements for your son takes into account his motivation for his behavior. For example, if he is hitting to get attention, giving him attention in the form of stickers for good behavior makes sense. However, if he is hitting to get something from other children, a behavior chart will not be that effective.

In addition to identifying the cause of your son's aggressive behavior, I think he could also benefit from learning social problem-solving skills (i.e., how to resolve conflicts and get along with others). You can teach him these skills at home by helping him to identify his feelings, talking about how to deal with feelings of anger, and modeling effective problem-solving.

An excellent resource for helping parents to teach young children problem-solving skills is Raising a Thinking Child Workbook:Teaching Young Children How to Resolve Everyday Conflicts and Get Along with Others by Myrna B. Shure (Research Press, 2001).

Dr. Lisa Hunter is an assistant professor in the department of child psychiatry at Columbia University and the director of school-based mental health programs at Columbia University's Center for the Advancement of Children's Mental Health. Her research focuses on the development, implementation, and evaluation of school-based mental health and prevention programs. In addition she is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in New York City. She specializes in cognitive behavioral treatment for children and adolescents.

Advice from our experts is not a substitute for medical or other professional advice and services from a qualified health-care provider familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's medical or emotional condition.

Comments From GreatSchools.net Users

06/2/2008:

"my child he hits so he will go to school next year and i dont wont him to get in trouble about hitting.so how can stop him from hitting so he wont get in trouble. "

04/7/2008:

"Another way to help a child keep his/her hands to themselves is by wearing a 'Don't Hit' Tee from Wear Your Manners. You can see the Tee at www.wearyourmanners.com. My son loves it and it really works!"

04/2/2008:

"My son is 4,and he is junior kindergarten. He is also experiencing the same behavior as the other mother has mentioned. He cannot keep his hands to himself. His teacher, has started this behavior book. But today when I picked him up, he not only pushed another male student. The student got hurt. And this is unacceptable. I have tried and explained that he needs to keep his hands to himself. He also knows, that if he misbehaves that he will lose not be able to play with his favorite toy. So I am not sure , if I should get an assessment done. If you could offer some ideas, that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Christie"

03/11/2008:

"My child is autistic and in a blended classroom with other autistic children.One child has become increasingly aggressive and targeted negative physical behavior consistently toward my child. Despite meetings with the teachers,principal and special ed director for our school system the behavior continues. Yes I have even met with the child's mother. My child has sustained a facial injury with sustained scarring, a head injury that required a CT scan in a total of 14 incidents in three months. The aggressive child has been recommended placement at another facility however due to parental objection and the 'system' this has been nixed.Yet another incident occurred yesterday and I have requested a meeting with the School Superintendent as well as all parties involved to review the school handbook and actions to date. According to the 'code' this student should have been removed from this classroom. Please offer any suggestions for my addressing this situation. Observations by o! ther professionals have been conducted, evaluation by Emory University staff and other measures to include medicating the aggressive child have occurred. I have supported all of this thinking the aggressor just wants to communicate but my child's safety has become an overriding factor. "

09/5/2007:

"I have a 5 year old boy and I'm doing the same thing with chart but it's not working. I have took away T.V. his favorate stuffed animal and make him do more then just two pages of homework he comes home with. I know he wants to get that attention and he gets that at his fathers house because he is the only child there plus the only grandchild. When he's with me (mother) I have another son that 2 1/2 years old so he may not get all the attention but he does not act out when he's with me unless he tired or hungry. Grant my 5 year old does pretty much good until he's go to school. Not sure what can I do. Already tried talking the father about it but not sure he does the same thing that I'm doing on punishing are son. If you have anything I'm willing to try. Thank You Michelle Mills"

11/9/2006:

"Help...My daughter will not stop hitting! I read this article and practically fell out of my chair. My daughter is 5 and has Down Syndrome and is exhibiting the exact same behaviors as this boy being discussed in this article. The only difference is that she does NOT have good communication skills and trying to figure out what she is feeling or thinking is like trying to read Chinese. She has really good situational communitation but when it comes to her trying to recount an event or tell you her feelings when something happened, I dont think even she knows how to formulate those thoughts yet. She just kind of looks at us with a blank stare. She is VERY aware that hitting hurts other people because she does not like it when someone cries when she hits them, and even if they dont cry she immediately says, 'I'm sorry'. And continues on without a second thought. The other day she got sent to the Principals office because she tripped the teacher, whether it was on purpose or not has not yet been determined, but I have! been getting notes every day now for at least 2 weeks that it is getting worse. She has been on the reward system using Smily face stickers for good behavior and sad faces for bad but that does not seem to be working anymore. I tried to impliment good behavior rewards at home after school in the form of private time with me alone before bed for reading or playing, since she has a little brother and my time is shared, but even that does not seem to work anymore. I am today at my highest stress levil because I am afraid the school district is going to take action and try to get her out of the class. Any advice at all is welcome and appreciated. Thank you!"

09/27/2006:

"This is a great article. My son who is 2 years and 9 months has just started in preschool. It is a parent preschool and therefore I am able to participate and see how my son is dealing with each situation. He is a timid and shy child and therefore is 'bullied' by other agressive children. This article has helped me to look for signs before my son is 'hit'. In our parent education classes, we are also taught how to resolve conflicts amongst the children. This article will be very helpful for all those parents trying to teach their child conflict resolution. "